I just threw up on my dentist
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
