i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
