john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
