Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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