i jhust puked up my retainher.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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