I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize