I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
