i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
