so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
