im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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