Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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