Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
