I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize