Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
