So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
