i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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