the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
