i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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