Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
