Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
