you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
