Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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