The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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