Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
