I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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