I wish my penis had an off switch
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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