Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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