guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
cat food counts as protein by the way
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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