I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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