we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
