I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I did not marry a roomba.
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