I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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