The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
