I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
