it's too hot outside to masturbate.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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