i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
