this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
