Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
