You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
