I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
