Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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