God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize