i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
