I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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