We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
