You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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