I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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