just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
