i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize