Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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