Where are you?
In a non slutty way
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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