She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
