My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
