apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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