I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
