I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
