Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize