mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
