does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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